Pissed Off

My mind is in a whirl. I really really feel empty. And useless.

On second thought, I really wish I could die now. Every time I peel apples, or pears to eat, I will always think, what will actually happen if I really killed myself.

Alright, quit being dramatic. Back to the real story now.

Yeah, I wanted to die. It's real story. There are so many things to finish; incomplete, unorganised, and indecisive. There are so many things waiting for me to say yes to them and tick them off as approval. But I can't just find the strength and ability to tick them and approve them.

I am now being stuck at the middle. Since the beginning, I am always stuck in the middle. The left and the right side never wanted me; they never thought of asking me to join. Just like I am Chinese but I am Indonesian too. I am Chinese living in Indonesian, but the Indonesian despise Chinese, and the real Chinese did not acknowledge us as one of their own. So, it's basically stuck in the middle. Someone with no identity.

My current state is about one choice which will decide my future. I am being stuck because of one reason; money. Money is a scary thing, eh? It helps you in terms of purchasing, power and authority, but when you run out of it, you'll be chased by it and everyone else. You will be stomped and rolled around in someone else's palms who have more money than you, who have power and authority. Basically, the situation of having no money is like telling you to scram and die.

Of course, I am trying my best to have hope. Have hope in other people who encourage you, have hope in God who will always come to help, have hope in life. But what happens?

Shit happens. It's the fact. Nothing is going well for you, and it's always obstacles you are having each and everyday of your lives. Everyone else is having good life, they get to enjoy things more than us and their problems are always solved easily, but we are always having problems and it were never solved and they keep coming day by day.

I am now being driven to corner by 'money' and was forced to choose 'something' I don't like and not interested in. My nearest person did not get the hint I placed in the message, and seemed relieved that I choose 'something' instead of 'that thing' which costs more money, and pressure on their lives. Of course, I wouldn't want them to suffer, but I am the one who's like idiot now, thinking for the welfare of the people around me while me myself aren't noticed at all.

I am really a spoiled kid, I realised that. I know the situation is not going to change, but I can't help but to hope, because the other person gave me hope. That's why I have been trying to avoid that person and if I can't avoid her, I can't help but feel pissed off and angry because they talk like they are giving me hope, encouraging me to do what I want, and getting my hopes up. But after exchanging few conversations, they will start to see our hopes high up and began to stomp them down to their feet. It is like carrying someone and throwing them to the floor harshly. They did not realise they have done such thing, and kept doing that.

I decided to change the perspective of life to not trust anyone easily, even though it's a family. I will live by instinct, like how animals live, because I am raised and surrounded by untrustworthy people.